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My husband and I are trying to get pregnant.  Without going into a lot of detail as to why, the conventional method is really not available to us.  So we’re working with a specialist who is circumventing some of the problems through a process called intrauterine insemination (IUI).  I get to take special drugs, have an injection, and we go into the office at a prescribed time.  In the end, it all feels so clinical to me, and I hate every minute of it.

The worst is the delicate balancing act we play between asking for prayers and not broadcasting the whole business.  I hate having to let people know that it didn’t take this month, because that is inevitably followed by looks of sympathy and hugs and compassionate words, all of which I know are people showing us that they care.  But for me, it’s a reminder of how I think I’m supposed to feel.  So often Hollywood depicts people who are just devastated by the fact that they can’t get pregnant.  I don’t feel that way at all.  Yes, I’m frustrated by this process.  I hate going to a doctor for something like this (well, I don’t enjoy doctors visits anyway).  Somewhere along the way, I’ve realized that it’s all about whether or not God wants us to have a child, to be parents.  He will be doing the creating, not us, not the doctor.  It will be His timing, not ours, that makes it happen.  And I have fully accepted that, knowing I’m in really good Hands.

In the meantime, I get the impression that other people assume that I’m feeling something that I’m not.  I’m not sad about this not getting pregnant.  I won’t be upset either way.  I will probably be feeling terror more than excitement if and when I do get pregnant, because we lost a baby once before.  More than anything, I am learning to be patient.  And it is certainly a lesson in patience for Travis, who didn’t realize before this that it takes two weeks before you can even bother testing for the pregnancy hormones.

Don’t get me wrong, I love knowing that people care for us and are praying for us.  I’m just not great with responding to it.  But then again, I tend to push people away.  It’s a bad habit of mine, and this is a good chance to work on it, to let people love me, and to love them back.

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