I have a tough time making friends. I get around people and my brain seems to stop working. I can’t think what to say, and it’s hard for me to remember (until hours after the interaction) that I should be asking the other person questions. I’ve had a couple of those experiences lately. And it’s harder being the pastor’s wife to find those close friends that you can share anything with.
My sister (who is also a pastor’s wife) and I talked about this a few months ago. If there is something that upsets us that our husbands do, we can’t really talk to anyone about it. I’m not talking about the minor little annoyances that everyone has. But let’s face it, your spouse is the closest human relationship you have (ideally). He can do things that bring you great joy, but he can also hurt you better than anyone else. I’d be surprised if anyone married would be able to (honestly) say that they have never been deeply hurt by their spouse.
The thing is, television tells us to talk to our girlfriends about those hurts, to deal with them. I don’t think that’s wise for anyone to do, because it brings another person into the relationship. Which is why I’m talking in generalities here, not specifics. But even the minor little complaints are not things I feel comfortable bringing to my friends, because pretty much my friends are people I’ve met at church (members who look to my husband as their pastor) or through the church (usually other church workers who interact with my husband professionally, or their spouses).
Because so much of my life is tied up in being a pastor’s wife, there are times I feel left out of the close-friend thing. I haven’t really talked with anyone from our last church since we moved, because it hit me that all we talked about was church for the most part. Now what do we have to talk about? I’d feel bad sharing joys, like I was saying, “oh, it’s so much better here than being with you.” And sharing sorrows would be the equivalent of telling them “I wish we hadn’t moved.” Neither one paints an accurate picture.
I also get the feeling like people hold back when talking with me, because I am the pastor’s wife. Probably also because I hold back talking to them. In a lot of ways this blog is a good outlet for me, because it lets me voice my feelings in a way that I can think through before sharing, and that’s safer than conversation for keeping things private.
What prompted this musing about friends? Probably the comment from Becky from yesterday’s post. Becky was my college roommate, for all of you who don’t know her, and one of a handful of people I have always felt comfortable opening up to. Whenever I think about what a real friend is, I think about the time when I was being really stupid in college with a dating relationship and she told me so. It hurt at the time but was the truth I needed to hear (even if I did ignore it for a while).
As for the rest of you who follow this blog, from new friends at church to old classmates to people I’ve never met in real life, thank you for listening and allowing me to share my heart with you.
Blooming Joy! 
Funny you should mention this, Stephanie. I have a hard time making friendships. If it weren’t for all of the time you and Jon and I spent online, I would not feel as comfortable with you as a I do now. And yes, you need somebody to talk to about things BUT you need not to bring other people into the relationships.
I enjoyed the movie Fireproof for a number of reasons. Not that it’s Lutheran theology. But, it rightly shows how girls getting together and/or guys getting together to discuss relationships results in a lop-sided perspective that ends up without a good ending in most cases. The movie goes on to show that when there is a situation of any kind that needs to be resolved in a relationship, it is the direct interaction of the two involved that is needed, not outside stimulus or interference.
I think the best thing a person can do for a friend is to listen and to offer generalities rather than specifics. That’s kind of what I try to do as a “boss” (I hate to think of myself as boss, but I guess that’s what I am). I try to facilitate understanding and people achieving in their own way, rather than forcing my system on some poor, undeserving person. Same thing in a marriage. I try to support Peg doing things even though I would definitely either not do them or do them differently. She reciprocates pretty darned well, too. Is that the give and take? Is that one aspect of “caring?”
You know what’s funny? I don’t think of you as a pastor’s wife at all, even though I know that’s what you are. But because I’ve known you for so long it’s far from the first thing that comes to mind when I think of you. To me you’re more that teenaged CIT, or the college sophomore who used to email me devotions, or even a DCE, than a pastor’s wife. 🙂 (Sorry Travis!)
I know what you mean about making friends, too. Even though I am pretty good at the initial meeting-people part, it takes me ages and ages to really feel comfortable with someone and really be their friend. Occasionally I meet people with whom I click right away, but that is very rare.
Right on Bethany! I agree…she is a DCE, a writer, a child of God. It bugs me that in our society (OK, The Lutheran Church Missouri Synod) this is how we often identify the spouse of a pastor??? I feel this is because our church body is not very good at seeing women to be equal children of God. This is why we do not ordain women. All this is because of an understanding of women our denomination, who are afraid of ____ (fill in the blank) when it come to women in the church. It is time to get over that. It is time to realize that in Jesus we are neither male or female. It is time for the church to realize that we need to tell the Message of Jesus to the world and God is not going to limit that to one sex!?! But if we believe what we profess that we are all children of God with special and unique gifts, should we not celebrate each person as the redeemed child of God they are? Yes, Steph, you are a pastor’s wife! But you are far more than that. Far more. You are my wife, my best friend! You are brilliant and wise. You have a passion for writing and sharing Jesus in words. You can teach. You are a brilliant DCE and church worker! You are a great organizer and administrator. You have a desire to do mission and a real heart to reach the lost. You are a great singer! You know how to comfort me, make me laugh, and bring joy to my days. You get the point…I could go on! You are a child of God. Baptized in Jesus. Clothed with Christ. When God sees you He sees Jesus. And so do we! Keep on keeping on! Love you~ Travis (Sorry for the sermon :)! )
Right on Bethany! I agree…she is a DCE, a writer, a child of God. It bugs me that in our society (OK, The Lutheran Church Missouri Synod) this is how we often identify the spouse of a pastor??? I feel this is because our church body is not very good at seeing women to be equal children of God. This is why we do not ordain women. All this is because of an understanding of women in our denomination of men who are afraid of ____ (fill in the blank) when it come to women in the church. It is time to get over that. It is time to realize that in Jesus we are neither male or female. It is time for the church to realize that we need to tell the Message of Jesus to the world and God is not going to limit that to one sex!?! But if we believe what we profess that we are all children of God with special and unique gifts, should we not celebrate each person as the redeemed child of God they are? Yes, Steph, you are a pastor’s wife! But you are far more than that. Far more. You are my wife, my best friend! You are brilliant and wise. You have a passion for writing and sharing Jesus in words. You can teach. You are a brilliant DCE and church worker! You are a great organizer and administrator. You have a desire to do mission and a real heart to reach the lost. You are a great singer! You know how to comfort me, make me laugh, and bring joy to my days. You get the point…I could go on! You are a child of God. Baptized in Jesus. Clothed with Christ. When God sees you He sees Jesus. And so do we! Keep on keeping on! Love you~ Travis (Sorry for the sermon :)! )
Oh Steph…I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be in the “bubble” you’re in. However, I disagree with Jim. I think it’s possible for women to talk with their girlfriends about struggles they’re having and not have it turn into “a lop sided perspective” without a good ending. Sometimes people need to ask, “Am I crazy that this drives me crazy?” and often times spouses aren’t able to give you a rational answer at the time you need it most. I’m a HUGE fan of marriage and will always advocate for spouses to work things out on their own, but sometimes you just need your girlfriends. I have 2 extremely close girlfriends here that I know I can ask or tell anything, and there have been times we’ve said unpopular or difficult things to each other because it needed to be said. We have told each other, “Yes you’re crazy, get over yourself!” But we’ve also told each other, “Stop talking to us and get back to your husband/boyfriend/friend.” I think true friends can do those things and not fear about meddling or interfering.
My phone is always on…no judgment…ever.