It was four weeks yesterday. Wednesday will be one month. One whole month has passed since our Samantha went to be with Jesus. Some days I can wake up and not think about it for a little while. Other days it hits me as my feet hit the floor and follows me throughout the day. Yesterday was one of those days. I spent the day holding back tears and trying hard to just keep breathing in and out.
We spent some time at my parents’ house last week. Our AC went out (not the first time this summer) and while we dealt with getting the home warranty company to send out a repairman, we needed to stay someplace cool. The first two nights were actually more peaceful for me than I’ve had in a while, because staying in a place where we didn’t have her made it easier to not be reminded of her. But then Saturday night I was filled with memories and longing and sorrow that overwhelmed me. So many nights I have to take benedryl and then stay up playing a game on my phone until I’m ready to drop of exhaustion just to keep from having my head filled with thoughts of her. Otherwise I can’t fall asleep because my mind reels under the enormous load of our loss. And I find it so hard to breathe. Strangely, while she was still with us, I found it easier to accept everything that happened from the moment she got sick. Now that she is gone, I go over and over in my mind all that went wrong, wondering if there was something I could do to change it. I know that there isn’t, deep down, but I still keep cycling through the memories and pain as though the repetition will somehow bring me peace. It doesn’t, and I look for ways to distract myself instead.
I only work part-time at church, so I’ve started to restructure my week based on working and not working, and trying to get back into routines that have been long set-aside. I want to be able to interact with the teachers at our school as much as possible, and since there is staff prayer on Mondays and Wednesday, those are the days I go into the office. I may also do things Tuesday or Thursday, but that is only as-needed. So on those two days when Travis is working but I am not, I’ve been filling my time with all sorts of projects. Some involve re-organizing our house (my kitchen has been completely overhauled). Or I run errands. When I’m not doing those things, I focus on my phone or television. I keep moving, keep distracting my mind.
I don’t know if the distraction game is a healthy way to deal with grief, but I can’t just sit around crying all day. I miss my little girl so much, but I have to keep breathing in and out. In… and out. One of these days maybe it won’t hurt quite so much.