It was four weeks yesterday. Wednesday will be one month. One whole month has passed since our Samantha went to be with Jesus. Some days I can wake up and not think about it for a little while. Other days it hits me as my feet hit the floor and follows me throughout the day. Yesterday was one of those days. I spent the day holding back tears and trying hard to just keep breathing in and out.
We spent some time at my parents’ house last week. Our AC went out (not the first time this summer) and while we dealt with getting the home warranty company to send out a repairman, we needed to stay someplace cool. The first two nights were actually more peaceful for me than I’ve had in a while, because staying in a place where we didn’t have her made it easier to not be reminded of her. But then Saturday night I was filled with memories and longing and sorrow that overwhelmed me. So many nights I have to take benedryl and then stay up playing a game on my phone until I’m ready to drop of exhaustion just to keep from having my head filled with thoughts of her. Otherwise I can’t fall asleep because my mind reels under the enormous load of our loss. And I find it so hard to breathe. Strangely, while she was still with us, I found it easier to accept everything that happened from the moment she got sick. Now that she is gone, I go over and over in my mind all that went wrong, wondering if there was something I could do to change it. I know that there isn’t, deep down, but I still keep cycling through the memories and pain as though the repetition will somehow bring me peace. It doesn’t, and I look for ways to distract myself instead.
I only work part-time at church, so I’ve started to restructure my week based on working and not working, and trying to get back into routines that have been long set-aside. I want to be able to interact with the teachers at our school as much as possible, and since there is staff prayer on Mondays and Wednesday, those are the days I go into the office. I may also do things Tuesday or Thursday, but that is only as-needed. So on those two days when Travis is working but I am not, I’ve been filling my time with all sorts of projects. Some involve re-organizing our house (my kitchen has been completely overhauled). Or I run errands. When I’m not doing those things, I focus on my phone or television. I keep moving, keep distracting my mind.
I don’t know if the distraction game is a healthy way to deal with grief, but I can’t just sit around crying all day. I miss my little girl so much, but I have to keep breathing in and out. In… and out. One of these days maybe it won’t hurt quite so much.
Blooming Joy! 
Oh dear friend…you are continually on my heart and mind. I’m praying for you as you journey through each day. Have you thought about doing some grief counseling? Sometimes having someone outside of your grief help you process through things is beneficial and can give you some tools for those days when you have only your phone and television. I’m here to listen anytime you want to talk. Sending you big hugs!
Love ya – Becky
You are right. Some day it won’t hurt so much. You are doing everything right. Keeping busy is good, your friend Bechy suggested some counseling. That would really help. I know that talking to someone can be hard if they don’t know the story. Even just talking to someone who has lost a child. Someone like that who has been thru the loss of a child will be able to understand even tho they may be someone you don’t know they would understand because they had been there. I am sure your Hospice people would be able to get ahold of someone for you.
You have the right to be angry and need to express that anger in any way that can take the edge off. Scream, yell, throw something! After my husband passed I felt the need one day to just throw something so I had this dish that was cracked and I was just mad so I threw it in the waste basket. The problem with that was the waste basket was empty and when I threw the plate in there it had nothing to hit against and it took me 3 tries to get the dish to break by that time i felt so rediculous that I had to laugh by the time the dish broke. It didn’t even break into more than 3 pieces. I hope some of that makes alittle sense. The point is I was able to blow off some steam and laugh alittle and it did help at that time. Nothing but time and the Good Lord are going to heal this great loss you feel. Alow yourself to be sad or angry or even accepting. As you know there are many stages of grief and just because you have gone thru one of them doesn’t mean you won’t go back thru that stage again. Unfortunately there is no time limit on grief. I can tell you that the pain will ease and you will be able to fall back on all those wonderful memories you made. The tears will become less even tho you will never forget the pain will really become less.
Love to All!!
Such a long, difficult journey with deep dark valleys. I pray you know the presence of God, even though He may feel distant at times.
Al
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