Well, I did it. I made the appointment and today was the day. I saw my obgyn. I wish I could say that it allowed me some closure or gave me some answers. Instead I ended up crying and feeling like I was listened to and wondering what step to take next. That’s not all bad, I guess.
I don’t think there is going to be any one moment that feels like closure to me, but then again, the ultimate closure for us was the day she died, or perhaps the week that it happened. We knew it was coming for a while, and that prepared us for her life to close. And grief does not fully have any closure this side of heaven.
I went to ask my doctor about the possibility of having another child. Am I crazy? Would it be insane to get pregnant again given my history? She couldn’t answer those questions (she’s a good doctor). She told us to think about it and pray about it and that ultimately it’s up to the three of us (Travis, me, and God). But if we do go that route, she wants me to see a high-risk specialist before I get pregnant. I’m supposed to call her if and when I’m ready.
I realize that many of you out there may have opinions about this yourselves. Believe me, this is not an easy thing to think through. I’d appreciate it if you would not share your thoughts about this topic with us, though. Negative or positive, it really has to be something the three of us work out through prayer and talking. I’m not positive I want to try to have another baby. I’m not positive that I don’t want to try. I’m not sure about much of anything with this right now, and I’m trying to remind myself that I have time.
I’ve been really thankful that so many of you have continued this journey with me. I’m overwhelmed sometimes by the numbers when I check the stats for this site. It’s not huge, but compared to the lower single-digits I used to see, it’s big for me. And I’m thankful that so far, I really don’t have the “haters” posting comments. I fear that this kind of post may draw out some of that, or at the very least well-meaning suggestions and advice that ultimately are hurtful to us. So please think twice before commenting on this post unless you are simply offering to pray for us as we struggle with our grief and with this decision. The internet can bring out the best in people, but sometimes it brings out the worst, especially when it’s easy to remain anonymous. This is all so raw for us right now that the tears flow easily, and words really can and do hurt.
Is it terrible that I find myself hoping the idiot world-end predictors are right about the year 2012?