Well, I did it. I made the appointment and today was the day. I saw my obgyn. I wish I could say that it allowed me some closure or gave me some answers. Instead I ended up crying and feeling like I was listened to and wondering what step to take next. That’s not all bad, I guess.
I don’t think there is going to be any one moment that feels like closure to me, but then again, the ultimate closure for us was the day she died, or perhaps the week that it happened. We knew it was coming for a while, and that prepared us for her life to close. And grief does not fully have any closure this side of heaven.
I went to ask my doctor about the possibility of having another child. Am I crazy? Would it be insane to get pregnant again given my history? She couldn’t answer those questions (she’s a good doctor). She told us to think about it and pray about it and that ultimately it’s up to the three of us (Travis, me, and God). But if we do go that route, she wants me to see a high-risk specialist before I get pregnant. I’m supposed to call her if and when I’m ready.
I realize that many of you out there may have opinions about this yourselves. Believe me, this is not an easy thing to think through. I’d appreciate it if you would not share your thoughts about this topic with us, though. Negative or positive, it really has to be something the three of us work out through prayer and talking. I’m not positive I want to try to have another baby. I’m not positive that I don’t want to try. I’m not sure about much of anything with this right now, and I’m trying to remind myself that I have time.
I’ve been really thankful that so many of you have continued this journey with me. I’m overwhelmed sometimes by the numbers when I check the stats for this site. It’s not huge, but compared to the lower single-digits I used to see, it’s big for me. And I’m thankful that so far, I really don’t have the “haters” posting comments. I fear that this kind of post may draw out some of that, or at the very least well-meaning suggestions and advice that ultimately are hurtful to us. So please think twice before commenting on this post unless you are simply offering to pray for us as we struggle with our grief and with this decision. The internet can bring out the best in people, but sometimes it brings out the worst, especially when it’s easy to remain anonymous. This is all so raw for us right now that the tears flow easily, and words really can and do hurt.
Is it terrible that I find myself hoping the idiot world-end predictors are right about the year 2012?
Amy Klein Medeiros said:
I totally see why that would be a very personal decision you need to wrestle with. Sending lots of love and prayers as you wrestle through that decision.
Gina Greene said:
I’m only sure of one thing…that in His time, He’ll make His will known to you and Travis. I’ll be a prayer warrior on you journey…not that I’ve stopped. When you come to mind you are still being prayed for.
Charlotte Cordes said:
You truely are loved Stephanie. I will always lift you in prayer. Mother to mother I get it, honestly and you know why. Blessings sweet lady. Charlotte Cordes
Prayers that God’s will for you guys will be made clear!
Eva Schaefer said:
I have been following you story for a long time and want you to know that you are in my prayers daily as you deal with the cross that you have been dealt. I will continue to pray that you and Travis with the Lord’s guidance will make the best decision.
Joan Klobnak said:
I too have been following you on this journey. I will continue to pray that God will in His time make His plans clear to you and Travis. Thank you for continuing to journal, as I feel as if I know you and Travis and would be forever wondering how you are doing. Prayers are heaven bound for you.
You find yourself in a position no one would envy. I applaud your strength and love for each other, your children and God. No matter what choice you make down the road, it will be the right one for you and your family. Prayers to you for sure.
I too have been following your blog for some time now. It amazes me how many people your family has impacted, and I truly think that you and your family are bringing God to more and more people than you even realize! Every time I read a post that you have written, I want to reach through all the miles that seperate us and hug you. You are so right that you have a good Doctor! I pray that God’s will is shown clearly to you and Travis, so that it is not a struggle on your mind and heart. (HUGS) from Minnesota!
Jeanine Bernache Tobolski said:
Kristi Partenheimer said:
I have been following your story and no one has the right to question your journey, your thoughts. You are an inspiration in your strength. Much love and prayers to you and your family!
Kim So said:
I also have been following your story for a long time now. You are so brave and so strong, and I am inspired by your courage. I continue to feel the pain of your loss, and wish you and Travis a peaceful journey through the next steps of your life together. I wish there were words that I could say to you right now, that could take all of your hurt away. Being a mother myself, I sometimes read your blogs and they make me want to reach out to you and take you in my arms, like you were my little girl and hug you and make it all better. Keep believing, keep loving and most of all keep strong. You will heal and rise above this! Keep your chin up and feel His love!