Last night was rough. It started with what I think was an anxiety attack and ended with me sobbing my heart out. For some reason, I had this physical anxiety that seemed to be grounded in nothing. I just felt shaky and strange, like my skin was crawling and I couldn’t sit still. I finally went to bed and tried to sleep and suddenly I was crying so hard I had trouble breathing. All of the weight of our loss just came crashing down on me and I had to cry it out.
I never used to be someone who cried at touching stuff. I might get a little choked up, but I never cried during movies or hallmark commercials or whatever. I cried when I was stressed or upset, but not from being moved by something. Now it seems like I can cry so easily. I still struggle with feeling like most of what I do is pretty futile, too. I’ve always struggled with procrastination, but now it’s hard to find any measure of purpose in my little daily tasks. If I put them off, does it really matter?
One of the things I am thankful for during this time is that the sound of babies doesn’t bother me too much. Sometimes seeing babies is hard, but hearing them isn’t. It’s probably because none of the cries from the babies in our school’s infant room sound like Samantha’s, and that’s a good thing. The infant room is also our nursery for Sunday morning. It’s in the same building as our church offices, just at the other end of the narthex, and we can often hear the babies while we work. Sometimes it’s screeches from happy babies who are learning to use their voices, other times it’s the cries of babies who are uncomfortable or fussy, as babies tend to be.Silence is unusual, and on those rare days when we are in the office but the school is not in session, the quiet is deafening.
There are times I look into the infant room and wonder what our lives would be right now if Samantha hadn’t gotten sick. Oh, so different. We had elected to not reserve a spot in the infant room for her, since I only work part-time. So she would not be in there. Perhaps she’d be in the office with me. Yesterday’s youth trip to a pizza and games place would not have worked, since we had to squeeze the youth into two cars. No room for a carseat. But going down that road too far is only a recipe for more heartbreak. I know it’s not healthy to dwell on what could have been, because it isn’t and can’t be. I can only keep moving forward, trying to figure out how to take one tiny step at a time, choose the next task to complete, and try to find some meaning to the mundane stuff of life right now.
Blooming Joy! 
I feel for all the thoughts and feelings which you are going through right now. I suffered a miscarriage about 33 years ago. It however didn’t compare to what you are now going through. I still have occasional emotions of regret over things I may or may not have done. However, this does not compare with a situation where ;you had the child in your life on a daily basis and having her hospitalized for most of her life. What I am trying to say is that I don’t blame you for having your feelings. I don’t know how to help you get self-motivated. I don’t do that very well myself. I followed your situation for a couple of months. I felt attached to Sam as I suspect that most people did who followed you. Feel free to express your feelings in any way that seems right. Try not to deny the feelings that you have. You probably have a lot of grieving to do. Have you joined a group similar to Compassionate Friends, which is a support group for families who have lost children? I wish you well, and I am willing to listen to any needs that you might have. This Blog is probably a good outlet for your feelings. I hope that your congregation is being supportive of your needs. This is from one pastor’s wife to another. I do look forward to your writings. I know you are in Texas but you and your family are in my heart as though we were there with you.
Blessings
Becky Rubke in TN
Dear lady, you have been thru the toughest time any parent should have to go thru. It really is alright to have a total break down at this point. Letting those emotions out feels awful but is really a good thing. Your emotions have been laid bare so being emotional for the mundane every day happening is also normal. I wonder how many times you have heard the word normal over these last months. I would say normal is a 4 letter dirty word except it has 6 letters. If I were in your shoes I would probably be falling apart hourly. I would be screaming that I was sick and tired of normal and would want to have more abnormal in my life. The happenings in your life have been very far from rational so alow yourself some time to be irrational. However all of that can be very tempting to just stay in that emotional, abnormal, irrational state and that is not a good thing. You have a wonderful husband and family, so you can lean on them for a time, but always remember the Good Lord is just a prayer away and will always be there for you! Love to All!!