In my mind, one year ago today is probably the worst day of my life. I just spent time re-reading last year’s post, and it starts with the phrase, “today sucked.” Yup, it did. It was the day I spent packing up our room at HealthBridge alone, the day I spent trying to figure out how to bargain with God for my little girl’s life (when I don’t believe that you CAN bargain with God), the day doctors confirmed the prognosis for Samantha. And yet today, I am calm. Reading the post saddens me, as reading anything I wrote last year can sadden me. I find myself crying over them whenever I read them.
Hospice was such a gift for us, in so many ways. The time we had with her was a gift from God, soaking up every precious moment we could with her and cherishing the memories until the very end. The care we received was such a blessing too. I am a HUGE supporter of hospice now. Hospice let us be mom and dad again, the primary caregivers. We gave her medicine and tucked her in. And we had a support team that allowed us to do that and gave us the help we needed along the way.
I had posted the lyrics of the song “Somewhere in the Middle” by Casting Crowns last year, mostly because I felt in-between the person I used to be and the person God was making me into. I stand back, amazed at what He has done in a year with me, with our marriage, with our lives. Everything changed, and we survived and came out stronger. Had anyone told me that a year ago, I might have punched them. But God has blessed us in sooooo many ways, and I am so grateful.
I have never read one of your blog posts because I was too afraid. Sad baby news really upsets me. I want to say I am amazed at how positive yet real your writing protrays. I won’t write any cliches about your amazing journey, I will just say that I feel for your daily heartache.
I see it, Steph. The big beautiful blessings of a God who doesn’t always do things the way I’d like, and yet continually amazes me with what he does and how he does it. You and Travis’s lives give God glory with your openness and your brokenness.
bethany actually said:
I love the phrase “big beautiful blessings”!
I’m grateful too!