I’ve been going through a rough time this week emotionally. Not that anyone would probably be able to tell, because it’s not a tearful kind of feeling. I think a lot of it has to do with coming down from a super-busy time period. After all, we’ve been running on high speed pretty much since I don’t know when. As I think backwards, we had PLI and all of the before-and-after to get ahead and get caught up. Before that was Easter, Lent, etc. Before that, we had our Saturdays half-filled with the YMCA using our gym for basketball and volleyball (we both went to the morning portion of this to make connections). Before that was Christmas, Advent, Thanksgiving… hmm, maybe I’m just really tired?
The school year is winding down, so I’m heading into a lull ministry-wise. Regular Sunday school will be on hiatus soon. Worship services are less involved now that we’re back to one each week. There are lots of planning things to be done, lots of relationship building that can happen, but meanwhile I find myself in a funk.
It’s not the blackness of my depression, but it feels pretty gray right now. Like I’m partway in the shadows. It makes it hard for me to read passages like Psalm 20:4-5…
May [the Lord] grant you your heart’s desire
and fulfill all your plans!
May we shout for joy over your salvation,
and in the name of our God set up our banners!
May the Lord fulfill all your petitions!
Normally, I can speak about our losses with my sights set firmly on heaven. But today I just miss my little girl, and this becomes a hard Scripture for me to read. My heart’s desire, my plans, my petitions – I’ve had to learn that God doesn’t always give them to me. And it isn’t like these verses promise that He will. It’s the psalmist wishing them on the people.
But then I think about it in a different way. What if God is the one who places the desires in our hearts in the first place? What if asking for God to fulfill my plans and petitions is a request for His plans and petitions in my life? Every day, I miss my daughter. But I would never wish for her back. Why would I want to take her away from the joy she is now experiencing? I wouldn’t wish away the past few years, because her brief life was one of the greatest gifts I have ever received. Those desires – for her to be safe, for the gift of her – they have been given to me, and they are fulfilled in Christ.
Lord, thank You for showing me a glimpse of the plan. I still don’t understand, but it helps.