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I get asked variations of this question all the time these days. It’s funny, because the question is either based in 1) the person not knowing what else to say/ask/talk about, or 2) the person wanting to assist me with suggestions as to where I can apply for work. In both cases, I tend to be a disappointment.
In the first case, I’m not much for small talk. I’ve never understood the point behind chatting idly about non-subjects. Ironically, I’m currently in a position where 90% of my talking with others (aside from my husband or on the phone with family) is small talk. Being a pastor’s wife at a new church opens me up to a LOT of small talk: “Where are you from?” “What do you like to do with your time?” and the #1 current question: “Are you getting settled in yet?” None of these are bad, and I am doing my best to answer them with grace, but inside I want to roll my eyes and sigh. I hope I haven’t reflected that in my face, though.
The other reason behind the title question ends up being a futile attempt at helping me. You see, I’m a certified but not yet rostered or commission Director of Christian Education. I’ve got the stamp of approval from the university, but until I am called by a church or RSO (that’s Recognized Service Organization, anything the Lutheran church deems to be a Lutheran-enough ministry), I can’t be listed on the official church-wide list of DCE’s, and I’m not entirely sure I can use the title.
It doesn’t really matter, because I’m not working as one anyway. I worked at our last church, got certified through doing the necessary steps to be colloquized (boy, this is a lot of church jargon), and could have been called. But then we moved, and now we’re at a church that already has a DCE. So unless he leaves, which I doubt will happen (nor am I wishing for it), or the church staff expands (again, I doubt it and I’m not hoping for it), I won’t be working there. And I don’t want to work for another church. It’s too hard on our marriage to be at separate churches. Too much of our lives is wrapped up in the ministry we’re a part of (I say “we” because even if I’m not employed, I’m still involved).
So in terms of employment, I’m kind of stuck. There are not a lot of options out there for someone in my position. And I’m ok with that. I never intended to be a stay-at-home mom, and here I am, WITHOUT kids, and staying at home. Weird. I sometimes feel guilty or out of place, like I’m leeching or wasting my gifts, but it’s usually only when I’ve been asked the title question. And I hate that, because I’ve always prided myself on NOT caring what other people think about me. I am content with taking care of the house, the laundry, the meals. I’m looking forward to when I have some of our paperwork caught up so I can establish some routines for myself. And I hope to continue writing on a regular basis, and maybe someday when someone asks me, “What do you do for a living?” I can say, “I’m a writer.”
Blooming Joy! 
Sorry you’re feeling so much discomfort. I couldn’t find a job when I first moved to WA, and no one helped me at all. I was out of work for a terrifying 6 weeks, and instead of being helped those around me were disgusted and said I wasn’t trying. Be grateful that so many people are willing to assist you. It’s far better than the other way around.
Stephanie, my heart goes out to you. There is a part of me that hopes when the day comes, you do not respond “a writer.” You are still aiming for a title just somewhere in the future. Let the journey be a part of who you are to become. It is very difficult living in a society where we are defined by our occupation, or by that of our HUSBAND.
You have your own credentials. You are also very proud of your husband. You may always be introduced as “the Pastor’s Wife” Try to see the humor. I do not think some things will change. In my generation, or in yours.
Maybe you SHOULD roll your eyes. I think more women than you realize would laugh with you!
Being able to say, “I’m a writer,” would be a great answer. 🙂
But in the meantime, consider that you are making things easy for your husband at home while he goes through the challenging first month or two at a new job! There is nothing wrong with that.
Just tell people that you are not able to work a full-time day job because it conflicts with your nighttime work. And then, when they ask you what that is, tell them sorry, it’s classified and you can’t discuss it.
That’s pretty much true, if you consider the nighttime to be your relationship with Travis and God and it’s classified personal enough for you, private person that you are, not to discuss it.
And, don’t worry about when God is going to use your skills and gifts. It’s His choice. I was called 15 years ago and finished the degree with you at Concordia, but didn’t get called to a ministry until last December, remember?
We were talking about this in devotions today. God can make a beautiful pot, then set it aside and do nothing with it for a long time and wait for it naturally to be worn out and cracked before he uses it. Not that I want you to crack, but …
Hello there! Found you via DCENET. Am in the same exact boat, sort of. Both my husband and I are rostered DCEs and he’s just taken a new call. I’m working at a Lutheran daycare. As much as I appreciate that we now get to be members of one church together, it does suck sometimes. I am heavily involved at our new church (I refuse to call it ‘his church’), but I do miss the DCE-part of my life. I know that this is where we are called right now; to this church and this life situation. Who knows what the future will hold.