I am the worst at setting up a routine for myself. I just stink at it. For whatever reason, I am unable to hold myself accountable to get things done, even when I know it needs to be taken care of. Not that I never get things done, but I tend to do a huge project all at once instead of plugging away steadily.
When we moved into our new house, for example, I had the idea that I would do one load of laundry each day. After all, the washer and dryer are in a closet in the hallway by the bedrooms, so it’s close and convenient for doing a load daily. Ha! Instead, every week we’ve been there I have spent an entire day doing all of the laundry. That’s not because I put it off, either. It’s because for me, it’s not as satisfying if I don’t have all the clothes clean. In fact, if I had it my way, we’d wear paper bags while I do the laundry so it would literally ALL be clean. Ok, that’s a little obsessive, I know, and I don’t actually go that far.
Or with planning meals. It’s not enough to decide what we’ll have for dinner tonight or for the week. I’d rather plan meals for six months at a time, complete with shopping lists (which of course always falls apart). Or I will rearrange the entire kitchen. Travis thought I was pregnant at least a couple of times because he saw me doing crazy projects and he called it nesting. Actually, it’s just how I’m wired. I get into a mood to work on stuff and then I do a lot of it.
Right now it’s paperwork that I’m focused on. Every time I start to organize our paperwork, I don’t just file stuff in the already existing files. I have to go through every file and re-organize them all. Weird, I know. Definitely takes more time than is necessary. But for me, it IS necessary, because otherwise I feel like I’ve failed. I read on a home organizing website once or twice that this need I have to do all or nothing is my perfectionism. I think that’s probably true, because I want to have whatever I start be complete and perfect at the end. Otherwise it isn’t worth it for me to start it.
I think that’s why I get so intimidated about volunteering for things, because I’m afraid of not doing well. I HATE making phone calls, even to people who will be receptive to me, and so much of being involved in ministry requires making phone calls. So then I know I will not do well because I end up having to do everything myself, mostly because I don’t ask for help – that requires calling someone!
When did I become someone who was afraid to try? I think I hid behind good grades when I was in school so I didn’t have to realize that I was actually too scared to try something that I wasn’t sure I would do well at. Even now, just writing this and thinking about my fears makes me feel anxious. It’s why I haven’t tried to write a book yet. I think I have some things to work on.