This waiting thing is very hard, but at the same time it gives me a tiny picture of what we’re supposed to be doing as we wait for Christ’s return. Appropriate, given the Advent season. The difference is, we know what will happen when Christ comes, more or less. The details might not be clear, but we know we’re going to heaven to be with Him. This time of waiting is tough because we have no idea what the outcome is. We don’t know what the other people involved are thinking or doing, or what their perspective is. So we sit and wait and make assumptions about the situation, and wonder if we’re completely wrong about what is going on here.
Yesterday, for the first time in three weeks, someone involved with this entire process asked me directly how I’m doing. I’ve had lots of people ask the question via facebook, email, etc., but no one involved in this mess asked me until yesterday. He said he knows this is hardest on me. Yet in the midst of everything, I’ve felt like I don’t really exist. Travis has been very good about being there for me as much as he can, but he’s spending a lot of time in prayer (as he should) and truthfully is feeling pretty low himself most days. So that’s why I turned to those of you I can reach online. Being a pastor’s wife is a pretty lonely gig, I have to say. Most of the time I’m ok with that. I tend to live mostly in my own head anyway, and I’m content with just thinking and praying and passing time. I like my alone time.
One of the tough things for me in the past three weeks is that I’ve had precious little alone time. Not that I am upset by it, but I find myself falling behind on things that normally don’t plague me, like laundry. I may not be the best with other household tasks, but I usually find time to get the laundry done. It’s hard to keep any semblance of routine going when another person is there who needs me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about a woman from our old congregation lately. The first few weeks we were there, she went up to my husband and told him, “I’m not praying for you. You have enough people doing that. I’m praying for your wife instead.” Boy, do I miss her these days!
And I know it’s not about me. I’m realizing that all of the lessons I’ve been learning from God over the years about forgiveness are needed most right now. Whether others have actually hurt us or it’s just our perception of them hurting us, I still need to forgive them. Holding onto hurt won’t change anything that’s happened, nor will it help me or empower me in any way. It’s in releasing the hurt and giving it over to God that I find freedom.
So we continue to wait. Come Lord Jesus! Come quickly, please!
While I don’t get too attached to traditional worship forms, I do have to say that I love the collects (pre-written liturgical prayers) for Advent. I think all but one of them begins with “Stir up Your power O Lord, and come…” That is the prayer of my heart right now.
Debbie Oatman said:
Hi Stephanie, you are certainly in our prayers. I especially have been praying for you, I know how difficult it is to be a pastor’s wife and how lonely it can be. I know also how difficult it is to find someone to talk with and just pour your feelings on. I also know that God hears all of our prayers, feelings and all. I know that God is working for and with you for a solution. We care so very much about you and Travis and love you with all our hearts. If there is anything we can do, please let us know. All our love and prayers, Debbie and Mark too.