I sometimes wonder if people look at us and wonder if we’re feeling anything. I think it’s part of why I keep writing about my feelings, that need I have to validate them and not be judged by others. From the outside, we look fine, most of the time. We don’t tend to shed our tears in front of anyone but each other. And we sometimes can even talk about Samantha and smile when we’re with other people. On the days when it’s hard, we just don’t bring her up. I think the last time I almost started crying in front of someone was when I was talking to some members before church on the first Sunday we were home after she died. I teared up and looked away and couldn’t find any words so probably just mumbled. I don’t know if the person I was with noticed or just thought I was being rude. But I guess it doesn’t really matter anyway.

The thing is, feeling ok seems to come out of nowhere, just like the tears come out of nowhere. Actually, it’s not just like it. When the tears come it’s sudden and completely out of left field. When I am at peace, it’s the realization that comes quickly, this sudden awareness that I’ve been feeling peace for a while. Now, that “while” can be a few minutes or hours or even a whole day. Not usually that long, but has happened. I find myself surprised by the peace more so than the tears. I sometimes feel guilty for not being sad more often. Then other days when the sadness is overwhelming I wonder why I can’t just get a grip already. But then grief seems to do that seesaw business for me. I’m either drowning in peace (the metaphor is strange but it fits what I feel) or tears.

I heard a song yesterday that brought tears to my eyes, followed by frustration, only because I didn’t find much hope in the chorus or bridge:

Don’t be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
‘Cause everyday it’s sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good to have the weight of this world
Off your shoulders now
I’m dreaming of the day
When I’m finally there with you

Chorus: Save a place for me
Save a place for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon
Save a place for me
Save some grace for me
I’ll be there soon
I’ll be there soon

I have asked the question why
But I guess the answer’s for another time
So instead I’ll pray
With every tear
And be thankful for the time I had you here

Bridge: And I wanna live my life
Just like you did
Make the most of my time
Just like you did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like you did
Oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

I love the verses of this song, they express so well the loss of a loved one. But then the verse implies that it’s the one who died that can save a place for us in heaven, when really it’s the One who died (on a cross). And then the bridge is looking to the person who died as the ultimate example. Now, I don’t know anything about the person who inspired this song, but no one in this life is perfect. I’m going to place my hope in Christ, thank you. But meanwhile I do still love the verses. I guess this song is kind of like me, fine on the outside.