I think sometimes it’s almost worse when I feel ok. Because the minute I realize I’ve been feeling ok, I start to feel guilty. Shouldn’t I feel worse? My daughter just died. I’m not supposed to be happy or normal or appreciate the freedom that we have to just pick up and go out to dinner or the store. I can beat myself up pretty badly.
Lately there’s been a string of days where I felt ok. I’ve been sleeping better (albeit sometimes with benedryl) and able to get through the day without dwelling too much on our loss. I haven’t had to distract myself the same ways I did when she first died. So I end up feeling lousy for not feeling sad all the time. And I think I had myself fooled into thinking that I had turned some kind of corner in this grief thing, that maybe I will be ok for the long haul. Then today writing something to a friend on facebook brought tears to my eyes and I realized that this kind of loss means that I will not ever been fully ok again, not in this life.
I’m in this strange place between devastating grief and trying to find normal again, the new normal of our lives. Losing Samantha hurts so much more than losing Jonah, so finding normal will be more difficult. And I don’t think I’ll find it any time soon.
One of the ways I know I’m not ok is that I can’t bring myself to hold a baby yet. I pass the infant room every day at church on my way to the bathroom and I look in. There’s a little boy in there who looks a lot like Samantha, which is heartbreaking all on its own. And I feel this desire to go in and snuggle one of those little babies. But I just can’t. Not yet. The desire is a new one for me, I’ve never really been a baby person. But now I just want to reach out and feel a tiny warm body. I hold my sister’s littlest more, she’s 15 months old, but it’s not the same and that’s probably ok right now. I just miss our little girl so much.
Some days this blog feels like a broken record, and for that I apologize. But I keep writing because it’s truly how I feel and in many ways this grief process is my way of blooming a new kind of joy in my life, the kind that has stains and nicks and a heaviness that comes from the loss we’ve experienced.
bethany actually said:
It’s your blog! Write as many broken-record posts as you want. We’ll be here, reading and praying for you.
I guess the guilt you feel when you feel okay might be some kind of survivor’s guilt? Like any good parent, I’m sure you wished a million times that it could be you who was sick and not your baby girl.
I think of you every day, and continue to pray for you.
Miriran Maas said:
You get to write what you want, it is your blog. The blog is a type of journaling and that is very theraputic.The healing you felt with Jonah and Samantha are going to be different. They are at different times of your life and different circumstances so the loss is different. You are allowed time to morn and unfortunately once you have gone thru the stages of grief doesn’t mean you are done. No one goes thru the stages in the same order and some come and go. Give yourself a break. I know that is a hard thing to do. We all do the shoulda, coulda,woulda lines. Something you would not expect from anyone else you expect or yourself. You would understand the grief process for anyone else and give them the benefit of a doubt. It is oh so hard to give ourselves a break. It is just fine to have ok days. You have lots of joy to remember and once you give yourself a break those days will come more often. Nothing will take the place of your children. Your life is going to be different because of your children but different isn’t always bad. You get to have a full life and if it is without children then that is the way it is. I know you have heard these same things every day sometimes it is helpfull to hear thme one more time. I wish there was a path to peace that I could give you but I don’t think there is a path like that to be had. This space of your life sucks! But I have faith in you and you will come thru to the other side. Be nice to you . Love to all!
Heidi Klave said:
You’re normal! Death impacts us greatly-
Love shared is multiplied,
Sorrow shared is divided.
That’s why there are so many sayings like that. That’s why strangers share your pain and pray for your amends.
God blesses us with children and family while on earth, but He expects that we give them back when the time comes. HOWEVER, He doesn’t expect us to feel guilt when He takes them. From Christ, himself, “Follow me, and leave the dead to bury their own.” Matthew 8:22. He asks that we continue with this life and do our best for Him each and every day. It’s okay to mourn, even Jesus wept at the loss of his friend, but it’s okay to go on with life as well, as did He. As we do that God will bless us again, time and time again. We wish you well always, and when you can see through some of the tears, say goodbye to that guilt & grab on to happiness anytime it comes !