One of the things that I’ve been told the “experts” say (who are these experts anyway? They seem to tell us a lot of wisdom but who actually knows who these folks are?) is that you shouldn’t make any major changes for a year after experiencing a major loss. I can understand why – I go back and forth on a lot of things these days. Just look at the constant changes I’ve made to the appearance of this blog! I think I’m happy with the way it looks at this point and I’m going to leave it alone for a while, I promise.
Meanwhile, I’m adjusting to this new medication. Yesterday I felt terrible, partially sick to my stomach and partially like I was coming out of my skin. I’m hoping that it gets better with time. I’m also finding that I feel tired right up until the end of the day (and since I take the medicine at night, it’s probably about the time it wears off). The doctor said I’d feel weird for the first week on it, so I’m trying to give myself time to get used to it. Seems to be a theme for me right now, allowing myself time. I’m amazed at how often I think I’m realizing something new about this grief or loss or the last several months. Yet if I really dig into it, the realization is something I’ve come to again and again. There’s an amnesia that seems to accompany my grief, and maybe that’s a good thing. If I was constantly aware of everything we’ve been through, good and bad, I’d be overwhelmed and unable to function.
Being able to function has been tough enough. Some days I just don’t want to do anything but lay around. I can’t sleep but I could easily just laze in bed all day. And I am sometimes worried about how food is playing into this grieving for me, because I have put on a few pounds and I just keep eating junk. At the same time, I’m trying to cut myself a little slack on that. Worrying about my weight is the last thing I need to do right now. I want to stay healthy but I need to take this one step at a time.
Travis is still being a saint when it comes to my emotional swings. Ten years of marriage has taught us a lot about each other and I think we’re learning more about each other right now as we try to take care of each other. We still have our lousy moments obviously. But working together again is helping. I know for some couples being in the same work environment would be a disaster. For us, though, it brings us closer. We have similar passions for sharing God’s word with people but we also challenge each other on how to approach it. We’re co-teaching confirmation right now and loving it.
Still missing my sweet girl.