I seem to have become a sporadic blogger again. So here’s the latest update on how we’re doing. I think we’re ok. Just ok at this point. This past Sunday we were confronted with meeting several area pastors who have been praying for us, and they shared that fact with us when we met them. It was one of those days when I could barely acknowledge their sympathy. Some days I can smile and say thank you, others it’s enough that I can keep from crying. Lately that’s been more the case for both of us, missing our little Samantha so much that it hurts.
Part of that is that we’re both sick right now, fighting off some sort of sinus viral thing. This morning let myself sleep in and woke shortly before 11! I never sleep that late, so I must have needed it. And while I’m still tired, I feel better than I have in three days. Travis went home to eat lunch, and when I texted him two hours later I apparently woke him up! He sat down and promptly fell asleep. So being under the weather brings our emotions to the surface more. The other fact is that we’re closing in on the 4-month mark of being without our daughter. We’ve almost been without her as long as we were with her, and it’s just unreal to me. I miss her so much, as much as I did the first week she was gone. I think the only reason I’m not bawling my eyes out every night is that the antidepressant is working. It doesn’t stop the pain, just makes it possible for me to breathe through it and fall asleep again. That and benedryl. Yesterday was technically All Saints’ Day, though we celebrate it in church this coming Sunday. I know it’s going to be a tough one for us. One of the rituals at our church is reading the names of those who have died in the last year from our congregation. I don’t know how Travis is going to get through that. I at least don’t have to publically read the name of our daughter. I’m tempted to not go to church at all this weekend, but I know being surrounded by friends and family is good for me. And I’ve been away from church so much this year already.
Meanwhile, this month we will celebrate our 10th anniversary. Big deal (sorry honey). Because of the last few years that have taken their toll on us, I know that this milestone is significant. Yet I feel pretty empty about it, knowing that the celebration we began this calendar year with ended in misery. Why bother celebrating this? I know it’s important, I just can’t seem to get excited about it. It’s part of why I asked my niece to have a birthday party with me (her birthday is two days before mine). Somehow I can get more excited about celebrating with her than I can about celebrating on my own. It’s the children in our lives that make this pain bearable these days. I am forever thankful to have my four precious nieces living around the corner. Having kids at our church every day helps too. I often stick my head in the infant room and talk to the babies, and it helps. Of course I’m not doing that this week since I don’t want to spread my germs. Mostly I just try to get through each day and doing the bare minimum. That’s hard enough for me when I’m not grieving, but missing my little girl makes it so much worse. Thank God I don’t have a pile of TV shows on the DVR that I’m into right now, or I’d just sit on the couch all day every day.
Keep those prayers coming!