I realize for some of you who are more recent readers of this blog, this change of focus might be jarring. I still think about and miss my children every single day. But for me, the past couple of weeks and all of the events over the past four months that I’ve attended have added up to a renewal for me. I feel more refreshed and energized about ministry than I have in years. Somehow I know that God is using this to lift my depression and set me on a new path. New friends have contributed to this. So has the knowledge that I still have a purpose for being here, more than just telling our story but telling the story of Jesus and helping others to do the same.
I’ve found a source of passion that moves beyond myself. And that’s something that I didn’t think was possible in the midst of our sorrow. But God keeps giving this gift of peace to us, and keeps showing me joy in my daily life. He is determined! And I am so thankful for that!
I might not ever be organized or disciplined, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a disciple. That’s the most freeing thing about this process for me. I can be who I am in the freedom of the Gospel. In fact, that is the basis for the ministry statement I wrote for myself last week:
“God’s grace covers me completely and frees me to be myself as I relate to others around me.”
I’ve always known that it’s okay to be me, just who I am. I’ve known it as a concept or idea. What I didn’t realize for years is how much I’ve tried to reinvent myself into someone I thought I was supposed to be. Do you know how many times I took the Myers-Briggs personality type indicator and came up with a J? When in reality, I’m a P. Ok, in more simple terms, I’m not an organizer or systematic in my way of approaching the world, but more free-form. I certainly don’t fit the typical profile of a firstborn. While I have some firstborn traits, that’s not all that defines me. In fact, there is a part of my personality that stubbornly rebels against what I’m “supposed” to do. I know that drove my mother crazy when I was a kid. And now, I realize that I don’t have to fit into anyone’s mold for me. It feels like an enormous burden has been lifted from my shoulders.
Blooming Joy! 
I love where this blog is going. Just saying.
Good blog sequence, Stephanie. When you’re overloaded, you have to downshift, have to change your method and power of attack. Which is, of course, what you are doing.
My basement is its usual total disruptive mess; but, I am periodically looking for that CD I have with all of my Concordia stuff on it, including what you and I and Jon wrote back and forth those eons ago. I have the time, of course, to dig it out and re-digest it. If I can find it. I think that might be fun.
And, I know there are some things about faith formation that I want to be blogging. Just as you feel called, so do I, to form some online ministry. I have a cousin who just formed HER own online ministry. Distant cousin. Her grandmother was a Cooper, daughter of Cyrenus Clay Cooper, sister of my grandmother Bonnie Cooper Riddle. There are, quite literally, three books waiting to be written about that family and its early days in New Mexico, as a territory, including long mavericking (polite and questionably legal rustling), bear hunting, murder, corruption of the legal system and post Civil War military connections. Anyway, she is a strong Christian, and her blog can be found at http://normagail-2mefromhim.blogspot.com/ – Norma Gail Holtman.
Norma Gail just wrote me an email explaining that she finally figured out that putting in keywords and search terms and started getting lots of hits. I will forward her email to you. She is a marvelous and interesting woman. I will also forward your blog on to her.
Love in Christ,
Jim
I have been on the road the last month or so, seeing Grandchildren’s programs, & haven’t had the opportunity to read your blog. You truly amaze me! I also have struggled to fit in to a certain mode & that just doesn’t work. I have finally found at 65 that it is ok to be me and that we all change as life leads us thru the years. If we only let the Good Lord truly have control can we be just who He intended us to be. Love to All!!