I realize for some of you who are more recent readers of this blog, this change of focus might be jarring. I still think about and miss my children every single day. But for me, the past couple of weeks and all of the events over the past four months that I’ve attended have added up to a renewal for me. I feel more refreshed and energized about ministry than I have in years. Somehow I know that God is using this to lift my depression and set me on a new path. New friends have contributed to this. So has the knowledge that I still have a purpose for being here, more than just telling our story but telling the story of Jesus and helping others to do the same.
I’ve found a source of passion that moves beyond myself. And that’s something that I didn’t think was possible in the midst of our sorrow. But God keeps giving this gift of peace to us, and keeps showing me joy in my daily life. He is determined! And I am so thankful for that!
I might not ever be organized or disciplined, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be a disciple. That’s the most freeing thing about this process for me. I can be who I am in the freedom of the Gospel. In fact, that is the basis for the ministry statement I wrote for myself last week:
“God’s grace covers me completely and frees me to be myself as I relate to others around me.”
I’ve always known that it’s okay to be me, just who I am. I’ve known it as a concept or idea. What I didn’t realize for years is how much I’ve tried to reinvent myself into someone I thought I was supposed to be. Do you know how many times I took the Myers-Briggs personality type indicator and came up with a J? When in reality, I’m a P. Ok, in more simple terms, I’m not an organizer or systematic in my way of approaching the world, but more free-form. I certainly don’t fit the typical profile of a firstborn. While I have some firstborn traits, that’s not all that defines me. In fact, there is a part of my personality that stubbornly rebels against what I’m “supposed” to do. I know that drove my mother crazy when I was a kid. And now, I realize that I don’t have to fit into anyone’s mold for me. It feels like an enormous burden has been lifted from my shoulders.