The last couple of weeks have been harder. There’s no particular reason for it to be harder. It’s not like the calendar lined up on specific dates, or that we actually took care of going through Samantha’s clothes (a dear friend is going to make a quilt for us from them, we just need to send them to her). Nothing out of the ordinary made me miss her more. And yet here I am, missing her. I offered to watch one of the babies in the infant room for a few minutes the other day. It was pouring down rain outside and the mom was going to take the baby out into it to the car, so I said I’d watch her by the door so mom could pull her car under the overhang to load the baby. Two seconds after she went outside, I sat there looking at this tiny little girl and missed my daughter so much. No, she didn’t look like Samantha. Her expressions didn’t even remind me of Samantha. But it was how unique her facial movements were that made me miss my daughter, made me miss being the mom who knows what those expressions mean. I never understood those things until I had my baby girl. Each infant has their own personality, their own way of expressing themselves. Each cry is unique. From the moment we are conceived, we are special, individual. Yes, I knew that as a fact. But now I KNOW it from experience. And it makes me miss my daughter and miss being a mom. Yes, I’m always a mom, but it’s not the same when you aren’t raising your children, caring for them every day. Some days I just ache to hold her in my arms again. I still haven’t let myself hold a baby, at least none other than my 2-year-old niece. The baby I watched the other day was in her carseat already. Oh, to feel the warmth and weight of my daughter on my chest, to kiss the top of her head and put my finger into her hand – those are the moments I miss more than anything.
I wrote up our story this week, Samantha’s story. This time it was for the Group B Strep Association, because the head of it is speaking at a vaccination conference in July and wants stories and pictures. So this writing of our story was different than the stuff I’ve written in the past. So much of this journey for us is about faith, and that’s the perspective I write from. But the piece I wrote this week was based in our medical experiences, and my opinions about vaccines and pregnancy before and after our experience.
Meanwhile, I still know God is with us. I still trust in Him. I know He is good, and He desires good for us. I know He holds my children in the palm of His hand, just like He holds me. I can’t answer WHY this happened to us. My sister posted the lyrics to Mercy Me’s song “The Hurt and the Healer,” which is one of my new favorites. It starts with the question “Why” but then never tries to answer it. I don’t try to answer it either. Because I know that God is God and my human mind can’t begin to comprehend all that He has done and is doing and will do. I just know that in the midst of the worst sorrow possible, God is still with me and keeps me safe.
Miriran Maas said:
My dear lady, I wish I could hold you in my arms and give you comfort. My losses cannot compare with yours. I have no idea how you deal with the loss of children. Coming close to losing children I have experienced and that was horrible. Losing them has to be much worse. The loss I deal with now is my husband 4 years ago and I have no idea why either, but this year has been harder for me than the other years. We would have been married 47 years on June 6. Yes, I feel very blessed for the 43 years we did have but this year the lose has been harder. Like you, I know that God is in Control and He is here to help me, but I would give anything for just 1 more hug. & .
I hope you know that when that box comes I will do the very best to treasure it and will do my very best to honor Samantha’s memory with the quilt I will make. I hope you sent me some ideas also. Love to All!
Stephanie Pittock said:
I plan to send ideas, believe me! My plan is to go through the clothes piece by piece, taking photos of each one first, and then try to either label each with the importance of it or group them together (for example, almost all of the purple stuff was given to us by a woman from our last church who LOVES purple, so it all kinda goes together). I will especially mark my favorite items, the ones that really should be centered. I just haven’t been able to actually work on it yet, I think if I had tried during the last couple of weeks it would have done me in. Hopefully soon, the cloud is lifting. Thanks, and love to you!