Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day, apparently. I know I’ve been aware of it before, but don’t think I paid much attention. Probably because last year on this date, I was at a dear friend’s wedding (Happy first anniversary, Nicole and Bill!) and didn’t have time to really be reading facebook or blogs to be reminded. It’s not something that’s on my radar, which is weird I guess. I know I could probably be the spokeswoman for this day, having experienced a miscarriage, a stillbirth, and infant death. But I don’t feel like a spokeswoman. I feel… Well, that depends on the day, and sometimes the hour.
I can go whole days now without being sad. And sometimes I can be sad for several days in a row. I don’t cry nearly as often as I used to, and when I am sad it’s not a crushing weight on my heart. Most of the time. And then once in a while, out of the blue, it will hit me all over again like a ton of bricks.
I’m not sad today because of some date on the calendar. I’ve never been that kind of person, actually. Other than recognizing/celebrating Samantha’s birthday and death day, I don’t hold onto the 10th of the month any more. I guess it’s because I’m not like that with the happy stuff either. I celebrate birthdays, but it doesn’t have to be on the actual date for me. I don’t love my husband more on our anniversary or Valentine’s day than I do the rest of the year. So for me, I appreciate days like today which remind those outside of this loss about our babies, but I don’t feel like it’s my job to remind them. There are others who do that, and I’m glad that they do. For me, I can acknowledge the day with a nod and a quick thought, and then move on. And perhaps tomorrow I’ll be sad again.
I’m actually more sad about a recent loss at the moment. My great aunt (my grandma’s sister) passed away at the end of last week after a long fight with cancer. We knew it was coming, but we also know from experience that loss is not any easier or less sad when you have advanced warning. It only softens the shock that comes with unexpected loss.
I miss you, Alice. And I miss Samantha and Jonah and the baby that I only knew existed for about 24 hours before it was gone. I could list close to a hundred other people I miss, too. This is why I’m looking forward to heaven, when we will be together again. And, you know, Jesus. 🙂
God’s blessings to all of you who have lost babies, not just today but every day, and especially the days when you miss them the most.
Blooming Joy! 
Hugs. I have my 5 kiddos to hug and yet still feel sad about the one we lost. I like to think God “redeemed” some of those sad days, though. My due date – June 11th brought my twin niece and nephew into this world. Nov. 11th, the day we had no heartbeat was Cale’s due date. He decided to be early, but having that due date took away some of the sting. I am glad that you’re sadness has ebbed some, and as always am thankful for what you share in your blog. You seem to say what I need to hear most at the time when I need it most.
Stephanie, We had a miscarriage many years ago. About 30 years ago. I was weepy and sad for quite awhile. I was most upset because I got to see the baby which was only about 6 weeks old. I have never forgotten that vision. I wish I had taken a picture of it. The doc in Ft Wayne, IN wanted us to take it to the lab. Now a reminder he was a pro-life doc,or so I was told. When I actually got to talk to him, because he wouldn’t take patients until the second trimester. I guess I wasn’t forceful enough to tell his receptionists to give me an appointment because I was bleeding for a long time. The lab took the baby and sliced it cross-sections to say that it was pregnancy material. I could see arms and legs and a head and everything he/she needed. We would have buried it in the backyard if we had known what the lab was after. Sometimes but very rarely, I think again about what I saw of that little human. I am so proud of you for being able celebrate your daughters life. It should get easier in time. A long time. You went through a lot more than I did. Praise the Lord that things get better. God is good. He takes care of all of us through thick and think.
Oh, Stephanie, you’ve done it again.
I just realized you might enjoy reading Laura Rath’s blog. She is assistant to our senior pastor and has been faithfully bringing her daughter to church every week ever since I can remember, which is over 10 years now. http://laurarath.blogspot.com/2011/12/my-top-ten-scripture-verses-of-2011.html