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Today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day, apparently. I know I’ve been aware of it before, but don’t think I paid much attention. Probably because last year on this date, I was at a dear friend’s wedding (Happy first anniversary, Nicole and Bill!) and didn’t have time to really be reading facebook or blogs to be reminded. It’s not something that’s on my radar, which is weird I guess. I know I could probably be the spokeswoman for this day, having experienced a miscarriage, a stillbirth, and infant death. But I don’t feel like a spokeswoman. I feel… Well, that depends on the day, and sometimes the hour.

I can go whole days now without being sad. And sometimes I can be sad for several days in a row. I don’t cry nearly as often as I used to, and when I am sad it’s not a crushing weight on my heart. Most of the time. And then once in a while, out of the blue, it will hit me all over again like a ton of bricks.

I’m not sad today because of some date on the calendar. I’ve never been that kind of person, actually. Other than recognizing/celebrating Samantha’s birthday and death day, I don’t hold onto the 10th of the month any more. I guess it’s because I’m not like that with the happy stuff either. I celebrate birthdays, but it doesn’t have to be on the actual date for me. I don’t love my husband more on our anniversary or Valentine’s day than I do the rest of the year. So for me, I appreciate days like today which remind those outside of this loss about our babies, but I don’t feel like it’s my job to remind them. There are others who do that, and I’m glad that they do. For me, I can acknowledge the day with a nod and a quick thought, and then move on. And perhaps tomorrow I’ll be sad again.

I’m actually more sad about a recent loss at the moment. My great aunt (my grandma’s sister) passed away at the end of last week after a long fight with cancer. We knew it was coming, but we also know from experience that loss is not any easier or less sad when you have advanced warning. It only softens the shock that comes with unexpected loss.

I miss you, Alice. And I miss Samantha and Jonah and the baby that I only knew existed for about 24 hours before it was gone. I could list close to a hundred other people I miss, too. This is why I’m looking forward to heaven, when we will be together again. And, you know, Jesus. 🙂

God’s blessings to all of you who have lost babies, not just today but every day, and especially the days when you miss them the most.