This blog post is part of a series that I began for telling our story. You can read the first post here.
Besides focusing on the story of Hannah, I spent a lot of my pregnancy with Samantha pondering the Old Testament story of Abraham and Isaac. If you’re not familiar with it, you can read the whole thing here. Or I can give you a brief synopsis.
Abraham and Sarah had waited FOREVER to have a kid. They were well past the years of childbearing – heck, they were approaching the age of great-great grandparents, had they been blessed at an ordinary time with children. But now they had a son, Isaac. And God asks Abraham to sacrifice his son to Him.
None of it makes sense. Why on earth would God ask for such a thing? I spent a long time laying in a hospital bed, pregnant, scared, exhausted, asking that question over and over again. The thing is? There’s no way to answer that question, because to do so invites me to try to understand the mind of God and His motivations. I can’t do that any better than my dog can understand mine. Actually, my dog is better at understanding me.
In the end, Abraham does not have to actually kill his son, although he does tie him up, put him on the altar, and raise a knife to do the deed (another day we should discuss the trauma that Isaac probably carried from that day as a result). God intervenes. Abraham did not withhold his son from God, and God allowed Abraham to keep his child.
As I pondered that story, I found myself growing less fearful of losing my pregnancy, and leaning into trusting God with my child. No, I didn’t want to go through a stillbirth again, but I trusted that God would get me through it. I also learned to trust God WITH my child – her life, her health, her entire being. He is God. He can be trusted, even more than me, to love my child. It was the beginning of God guiding me into trusting Him to hold my daughter in His hands, and to hold me as well through it all. Ultimately, she wasn’t mine to keep. She will always be part of me, but she is God’s child, the daughter of the King, and she is SAFE. Nothing will ever change that.
Next post coming Monday.